Rules for the Magic 8 Ball
Meme:1. Post the button and link to Jaycee deLorenzo (following would be nice, but not required).
2. Share an excerpt from your current WIP, perhaps something you're struggling with, are stuck on, or just can't "get right."
3. Ask a question about your excerpt. It can be something easy such as "What do you think?" or something more in-depth, such as "Can you suggest a better way to word such-and-such," or "How can I make the emotions in this scene more realistic?"
4. Tag 8 people. (I have chosen 4.) I picked these four bloggers because I would love to read an excerpt of their writing, if they are willing to share!
Heather at Random Interruptions
Sara at S.P. Bowers
Kristen at Don't Forget the Samovar
Ruth Donnelly at Readatouille
Here is an excerpt. Alex is my MC. She is age 9, in the third grade, and has just lost her diary. Her brother's name is Levi. My question is on voice. Does this come across as the voice of a nine-year-old girl?
Alex thought about what she had written in
there so far this school year. Her new
teacher Mrs. Caffy was great, but she had a really big nose. That was the first thing Alex had noticed
about her on back-to-school night. So it
went in her diary.
Emily Sparks had puked all over her desk the
second week of school and Alex wrote about how gross that was. Really, really gross!
Alex also wrote about how sometimes she was
upset with her family. When Dad was too
tired to play soccer in the backyard, and how sometimes Mom worked on her own artsy
projects and didn’t include her. And
then there was Levi. He got on her
nerves tons, and that went in the diary too.
Of course there were also good things that
she wrote about. Like when Alex was the
only one in her class who got all five bonus words right on their first
spelling test. Or when Lilly Mason, the
most popular girl in 3rd grade, said she liked Alex’s new haircut. But that’s what her mom said a diary is for. When something is interesting or special
enough to want to remember, you write it down.
Or if someone or something is bothering you, writing it down can make
you feel better.
Thanks for thinking of me!
ReplyDeleteI think you're really close on the voice. There a few sentences I can still feel the author though. The one that stood out to me the most was "Of course there were also good things that she wrote about." If you're really trying to get in the head of the young girl she'd probably say something more like "She wrote about good things too." Kids transition fairly quickly when changing subjects.
Of course I've never written this age so I havne't really thought or studied it and may be way off.
Good Luck!
Thanks for your comment!
DeleteI think I am having a hard time b/c it is in 3rd person. 1st person would be easier b/c all the "narrating" would be done in her real voice. In 3rd person it seems a little trickier...
Voice. That tricky thing readers don't even think about but writers (especially MG and YA writers) completely stress over.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough commenting on voice in such a small sample of the story, but here goes: Would a 9yo *think* about what she'd written? She might reread it while tucked in a closest (because diaries are super secret stuff, you know). :-) The examples/situations from the diary are true, have you considered actually having Alex's diary excerpts in the story...so it truly is Alex's voice? Again, without a larger sample, it's tough...
Thanks for your thoughts Barbara!
DeleteThe reason she is thinking about the entries is b/c she has lost the diary and nervous that someone who she wrote something "mean" about will find it. I do have one place where there is an excerpt shown.
Thank you so much for passing this on to me! I am a horrible person to ask about the voice of a 9 year old since I don't have any children and my nephews haven't reached that stage yet, but I would think the things you wrote about here would be appropriate
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Heather! I see you have posted your excerpt... off to read and comment!
DeleteHey--thanks for tagging me! I've been a little off blogging this last week and will be next week too, but I love the attention, regardless!
ReplyDeleteI think your voice is right on age-wise, but doesn't come across as terribly authentic. I mean, it sounds like someone trying to sound nine. That's not terribly hard to fix, though, I don't think. You could try reading it out loud--that might help you figure out what parts to keep and what parts to let go of and replace.
She does sound spunky, though, which is great!
Thanks for your comment!
DeleteI think I am having a hard time b/c it is in 3rd person. 1st person would be easier b/c all the "narrating" would be done in her real voice. In 3rd person it seems a little trickier...
But the Judy Moody books are written in 3rd person and obviously the author "does it right!" I am going to go back and re-read one of those books to see if I can figure out the secret!
Looking forward to seeing your post when you have the time!
I'm not a great judge either - I tend to read upper YA. However, I LOVED this opening! The first paragraph especially. I smiled after reading it!!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your excerpt! I think the voice sounds right for the age group. The only place I stumbled a little was "got on her nerves tons." The teacher's big nose and the puking are excellent details. ;) Thanks for the pick. I'll have to look through my WIP to see what I'm ready to share.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your commment Ruth! I'll look forward to seeing your excerpt when you get the chance to post it!
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